You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
