Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
