I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
