i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
