I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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