Non-Jews are for practice
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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