no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
