yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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