I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
