my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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