Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
