i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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