if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
