he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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