Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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