Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
