I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
