A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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