I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
