Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
