My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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