Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
