Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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