Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
