Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
