Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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