Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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