I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
