I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
