i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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