Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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