i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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