if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
