It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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