I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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