chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I party with great urgency now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
