So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
