my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
