Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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