Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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