The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
