Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
