I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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