i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
