everyone is single if you try hard enough
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
