i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am available for nakedness
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
