A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
