Im at strip club and am horny
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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