There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
