I'm eating all of the evidence.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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