My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
