I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
